Raison d'etre
by lilcupcake
Summary: Jounouchi Katsuya dreaded that one day above all else, the day a painful reminder of a tormented past. Haunted by destructive memories, will he slip away into the darkness forever? or will someone be able to save him in time? KaixJou; JouxKai; KxJ
1. Prologue

Title: Raison d'etre

Author: lilcupcake

Rating: R (of course)

Summary: Jounouchi Katsuya dreaded that one day above all else, the day a painful reminder of a tormented past. Haunted by destructive memories, will he slip away into the darkness forever? or will someone be able to save him in time? SXJ

Pairings: Yaoi, boyXboy, shounen-ai, yadda-yadda-ya, in the end Seto Kaiba X Katsuya Jounouchi

Status: Incomplete

Disclaimer: I don't own, duh! Everyone knows what's supposed to go in this slot anyways.

Author notes: Yes, I know I have some bad grammar and spelling. My friends and I tried to catch all of them, but you know how it goes. Some things just get past you. The rest of the a/n- at bottom of page

Chapter 1: Prologue

Have you ever felt like you should have never woken up? Just stayed in bed, lost in the false security of sleep, and not awake until the day fades into the next? That one day during the year, that only comes once every 365 days; the one day you dread above all else, despising anything about it and everything it stands for, anticipating the end that never seems to come any closer, always staying forever away.

_**That was how he felt.**_

**Because…**

Everything that could go wrong did go wrong, starting at midnight. No, it was more like 12:03 am, since the clock glared those digits at him through the pressing darkness, taunting him with the horrid truth, turning after every minute lasted an eternity, tempting his mind with the appealing idea of insanity.

**Because…**

He wondered why he never cracked, never collapsed under the shattering force that laid upon him, never gave up. Just because he had not done so did not mean he wouldn't soon. He would break soon, very soon. His mortality slipped away little by little each day, leaving him behind with nothing but his memories intent on making him losing his mind. Every year brought him closer to the edge; it was just a matter of time until he lost the game.

**Because…**

_**Today was his birthday. **_

Now, here he was four hours later, still staring at the clock from where he was huddled in the corner of his room, knees drawn to his chest, chin resting on top of them, and only his eyes shifting every now and then seeking out any type of invisible threat. He was safe as long as he did not succumb to the lurking shadows that surround and invade his bleeding conscious. He was wounded beyond repair. Just because one could not or chose not to see his injuries, did not mean they were not there. Is there not some sort of blood shed when the conscience is wounded?

_**His eighteenth birthday to be exact. **_

The clock twitched as if to mock him. It wasn't enough that he was drowning in the suffocating emptiness of his mind, but inanimate objects had to torture his already meaningless existence. This was why he hated silence: it allowed too much time to think, to contemplate on his past, to face issues he had yet to conquer. Given time and left alone, he would only be lost that much faster. Twenty-three minutes after four in the morning. It was time.

_**Eighteen years of existence on this planet of pure hell**. _

He slowly stood from his sanctuary and started for the door. He didn't need to bother with his clothes, seeing how the only school uniform he owned still hung loosely on his thin, wiry frame. It was raining outside anyways, so there was no need for a shower.

_**He never could escape it. **_

The door to his room slid open silently. Years of experience and mistakes taught him the value of silence. The real challenge came from the floor of the living room to the front door, the only exit in this dump he called home. Months before, the alcoholic bastard people called his father caught him sneaking out through the window in his room. As punishment, said window was blocked off.

_**He would be trapped here forever.**_

He treaded lightly across the bare floor, carefully avoiding broken pieces of glass or boards that would surely give him away to the snoring man on the couch. Not that he would care if he left. No, his 'father' would be sorrier about relinquishing another opportunity to degrade his 'lazy, worthless' son. Blame him for all his problems, past, present, and future.

_**It was always his fault, regardless of the situation.**_

To the bastard on the couch, he was nothing more than a punching bag, which also served as the only income for the family of two. He snorted – if you could call them a family. Amber eyes widened considerably. He slipped up. The first in months. That little bit of sound caused from blowing air out his nose echoed in the hauntingly quiet apartment, disrupting the interior like a gunshot.

_**Why did he even bother to hang on to his pitiful reality?**_

The blond froze in his tracks. He was within inches of freedom, of temporary release from the bonds that held him to this life. He couldn't deal with the man's abuse today, not on this particular day, not when it was hard enough just to keep breathing. A bottle shattered just above his head, jerking him into action. He leaped for the door, ignoring the scream of fury behind him.

_**Only one real tie kept him locked onto this earth.**_

He would pay for it later that he knew for sure. A small bit of wetness trickled down his face from a stray cut produced by the sharp edges of the glass. He impatiently swiped the drops of blood away with the back of his hand as he launched himself down the stairs and out into the false night. His mood was dark enough without adding the fuel of his father.

_**He could never abandon her, never break his promise, and never hurt her like others did to him by leaving him behind.**_

He picked up the bundle of white roses he purchased yesterday from the flower shop and hid in the ally way beside the apartment building. Once the bouquet was nestled safely in his arms, he jogged in the direction his only true family waited on him; the one that still stayed by his side with undying love and loyalty. Kawaii Shizuka, his little sister.

_**She was his reason for being, reason for living, reason for breathing.**_

Jounouchi Katsuya fervently hoped she would be enough to save him. Because if she couldn't, his sanity would surely slip away; all control lost in the end; succumbing to the pain; his mind escaping from his broken body forever.

_**All of this because it was his birthday.**_

_**God help him live through it.**_

(((Okay, well this is the start of my first YGO story. This will definitely revolve majority of the time around Katsuya and his birthday. This should be a relatively short fic, seeing how most of it will happen during one day. This is just a preview. Hope you review, it would be nice. Later - lilcupcake)))


	2. Cemetery

Title: Raison d'etre

Author: lilcupcake

Rating: M

Summary: Jounouchi Katsuya dreaded that one day above all else, the day a painful reminder of a tormented past. Haunted by destructive memories, will he slip away into the darkness forever? Or will someone be able to save him in time? SXJ

Pairings: Yaoi, boyXboy, shounen-ai, yadda-yadda-ya, in the end Seto Kaiba X Katsuya Jounouchi

Status: Incomplete

Disclaimer: I don't own, duh! Everyone knows what's supposed to go in this slot anyways.

Author notes: Yes, I know I have some bad grammar and spelling. My friends and I tried to catch all of them, but you know how it goes. Some things just get past you.

Chapter 2: Cemetery

The usually crowded street was depressingly empty. There was no other being beside him. The curtain of rain not only muffled his footsteps but also drenched him in torrents of freezing water within minutes after stepping outside. And still he continued forward on his trek; not once looking backwards or so much as glancing over his shoulder' to do so was against everything he believed in. Always stay facing forward regardless of what problems lie ahead; the past will remain the same so there was no point in dwelling on it. Besides, looking back would mean he held regret, and that was one emotion Jounouchi Katsuya refused to be dominated by.

Jounouchi hurried around the corner, inadvertently crossing the invisible line that separated the downtown, slum portion of Domino from the rest of the city. The buildings swiftly changed from rundown, ill-kept apartment buildings to two-story housing duplexes complete with decent roofs, separate garages, and immaculate front lawns.

These houses, though dark at the present, were undoubtedly filled with warmth and love…and entire families: whole, complete families. Not like the broken one Jounouchi came from. Those same families probably returned to their 'home' everyday after work or school, relieved to be in the familiar surroundings they drew strength and comfort. A home was a place one felt he or she could relax and not worry about the world for once, a place he or she belonged.

Jounouchi snapped back to reality. He had drifted off into his thoughts, and without realizing it, had stopped to stare at the structures that lined both sides of the street. This was a place he did not belong. He stuck out like a sore thumb, street-trash among hard working, middle-class citizens; naïve, _clean _individuals. They were not tainted like he was, dirty and corrupted since his birth into this world.

He shook his head. Dark strands of hair, once bright and golden, now a dirty blonde color, swung with the motion and made light slapping sounds whenever they connected with pale skin. He shivered lightly. He was soaked to the bone and _freezing_. The thread bare white t-shirt he wore under his navy blue school uniform clung to his body, and his jacket and pants seemed to be shrinking at an alarming rate. The worst part was that the rain had thoroughly soaked his socks through his equally wet sneakers, which made squishing sounds as he walked.

Quickly making his way back down the street, Jounouchi brushed aside any lingering thoughts. As much as those thoughts appealed to his current mood, the amber-eyed youth would have to be careful about letting them take over his vulnerable state of mind. Once they were imbedded into his brain, it would be near impossible to be rid of them. Jounouchi was not about to risk that.

The blond teenager crossed the main road, making sure to look both ways for any cars before waking quickly across. The street was deserted just like all the other ones he had crossed this morning. He frowned. That statement was false; there was a small black BMW sitting at a stoplight roughly three miles away. Jounouchi shrugged. It was not like whoever was in the car would affect him in the slightest, so he dismissed it.

Instead, he focused his attention on the young lady standing on the opposite sidewalk under a red umbrella. She was also dressed in her school uniform; which consisted of a robin egg blue skirt that brushed the tops of her knees, a white button up dress shirt with a blue bow tie under a mauve jacket, and brown loafers with knee high socks. Auburn red hair was pulled up into a ponytail as her own lightly golden-brown eyes searched the street for someone in particular.

"Shizuka-chan!" Jounouchi gained the attention of the teenage beauty. She smiled and waved enthusiastically at him. Her smile seemed contagious as his own lips quirked into a half-grin. "You came, imouto."

"Of course I came, Nee-chan. Did you think I wouldn't after you asked? And you actually made it on time." Shizuka giggled as Jounouchi puffed his cheeks in indignation.

"I make lots of things on time, little sis. It's just that everyone else is extremely early."

"Of course, big brother. But seriously, you just have to ask. I would do anything for you, nee-chan. I'm only a phone call away."

They sat there for a few long moments, both smiling softly at each other and the unspoken context implied by Shizuka's last statement. It was a known fact that Jounouchi would do absolutely _anything_ for his younger sibling and Shizuka adored her brother with an unwavering sense of loyalty.

That, and Shizuka was one of only six people who ever truly understood Jounouchi completely. And unlike others, she would not abandon her brother to his fate. She would not allow him to fall victim to the dark abyss in his mind. Even though her influence was slowly waning, as long as Kawai Shizuka had breath in her body, she would see to it that her brother's insanity remained dormant regardless of the lengths she must go to do so or the consequences her actions were bound to generate.

The mood was broken when Jounouchi reached over and tweaked his younger sister's nose. "You worry too much about me, imouto. Now, come on. We should get this visit over before school starts. Wouldn't want to be late, now would we?"

Shizuka laughed lightly at her brother's false enthusiasm for school. Yes, perhaps it would be best if they got this over with quickly, before anything could happen. But if that was true, then why did she feel like something was going to happen anyway.

Together, the siblings made their way beneath the iron wrought gate of the _Sacred Hearts Cemetery_.

/--: ( : ) : ( : )

"Please, big brother. _Please_."

The desperate pleadings of his soft-voiced sister barely penetrated the fog surrounding his mind. His world, once so broad, seemed to have been narrowed to a single point when he set eyes on this particular headstone. The gravesite was nothing out of the ordinary, just soft patched dirt covered with luscious green grass, and a single bouquet of white roses rested in front of a regular block of stone.

"Please don't do this now. Don't."

His sister was crying, practically sobbing next to him, yet he couldn't move; couldn't comfort her; couldn't reassure her that he was all right. His body had turned to lead as his mind detached itself from its physical shell. It happened every time he visited. Nothing but the grave existed to him. It was swiftly followed by the darkness, then the memories.

"_Katsuya-chan, please come back. Don't leave me. **ONEE-SAMA!**_"

And then the screaming began.

"_You worthless piece of crap."_

"_I would never leave you."_

"Please help me. Someone please help me."

"_Why were you ever born?"_

"_You are the light of my life."_

"_It's your entire fault."_

"Nee-chan won't respond."

"_My little angel." _

"_You ruined my life."_

"_You're such a special boy."_

"_I hate you."_

"_I love you."_

"_I wish you were dead."_

"_Damnit, Mutt. You're such an annoyance."_

Jounouchi snarled ferociously like the canine personified in the last remark. "I'm not a stinkin' dog, Kaiba."

"You sure act like a dog. I only call it as I see it."

Jounouchi spun around on his heels until he faced the blue-eyed CEO of Kaiba Corp, Kaiba Seto, who took some perverse pleasure in degrading Jounouchi with – what else – dog insults.

"You freakin, sadistic bastard. How many flippin times do I have to tell you to lay off? We've already established the fact that we hate each other, what else do I have to do for you to stop with the bloody insults?"

The blue-eyed teenager simply raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at the blonde. Really, why would he stop teasing the puppy? Not only was it entertaining, but it also helped relieve some of the brunette's stress.

Besides, the taller teen was fond of the way the others' eyes would flare with a golden defiance from the passionate anger Jounouchi exhibited. Not that Seto paid any attention to those kinds of details. Not at all.

Actually, any emotion Jounouchi showed was fully integrated with passion. Maybe that was why he agreed to help the Mutt's sister when she approached him. An unusual, invisible shiver had crawled down Seto's spine when he saw the puppy. The mutt looked lost in every sense of the word and had given up all type of being saved from whatever it was that drove him away. And…he looked so…helpless. Lost and helpless: two emotions Seto never though he would see on Jounouchi's face. And to tell the truth, he never wanted to see them again.

"What the hell are you doing here, you stuck up –"

"Watch your language, Mutt. There are younger siblings present."

To tell the truth, Mokuba and he had come to the cemetery this morning to pay their respects to their deceased parents. Although they had been dead since the two were little, Mokuba and Seto still visited their parents' gravesite from time to time. Seto had not meant to come here this particular morning, in fact they were supposed to come last week. But Seto had been backed up with work, so the visit had been postponed until today.

"Big brother. Jounouchi-kun. Please don't fight." Kaiba Mokuba stepped around his big brother. Seto's taller, and thicker build easily hid his smaller, thirteen year-old younger brother. Mokuba's black mid-back mane was perfectly tamed as his navy blue eyes stared pleadingly at his older brother.

Jounouchi and Kaiba would never admit it, but they shared some common characteristics. One was their relationship with their younger siblings. Mokuba worshipped his older brother just as the elder Kaiba held a soft spot in his heart only for his younger sibling, who was he only family member he had since shortly after Mokuba was born.

"Yes, please don't start another argument with Kaiba-sama, Katsu-nee-chan." Jounouchi flinched just slightly at his name that went unnoticed by his younger sister, but not the sharp eyes of the blue-eyed CEO. "Especially since he helped me when I asked him to. He can't be that bad."

"No, he can't be 'that bad', cuz he is worse. You have no idea, Shizuka. And I didn't need help."

The auburn-haired teenager took a step away from the blonde boy, her eyes beginning to glisten with tears. Jounouchi had never talked to her with that tone of voice before. She retreated further from her brother as he continued. "I don't need help, especially from that stuck-up conceited asshole. I never asked for help and I will never need it. I fine on my own and I will do this, just like everything else, alone."

Jounouchi abruptly snapped his mouth closed after he shouted the last statement, eyes growing impossibly large. Shizuka was holding her hand over her own mouth trying to muffle her sobs as the tears flowed freely down her face.

"Imouto-chan…I…I'm sorry…I," Jounouchi trailed off. He opened his mouth a couple more times, but nothing came out. Timidly, he reached a hand out towards the younger girl. "Shizuka-chan, you know I didn't mean that like it sounded…"

She took another step back and hid slightly behind Seto, still sobbing softly. Jounouchi stared at her than his hand, before withdrawing it quickly. "Fine…be that way."

Jounouchi reached down and plucked the red umbrella that was lying on its side on the ground, collecting water. Shaking off the excess rain, he thrust it into Seto's hands. "Can you make sure she gets to school on time? Please?" Jounouchi asked through gritted teeth.

Without waiting for an answer from the emotionless teen, he turned on his heel and walked out of the cemetery, completely disregarding the still-pouring rain and his drenched state.

"Nee-chan…" Shizuka watched her brother leave without moving to stop him. She felt that her time had come to an end.

"Are you not going after him?" A low murmur beside her broke into her thoughts.

Shizuka turned and blinked up at the elder Kaiba. "Excuse me?"

Mokuba took a hold of Seto's hand and repeated the question; seeing how his brother was still staring in the direction Jounouchi had walked off, even though the blonde could not be seen anymore. "He asked if you are not going after Jounouchi-kun. I'm sure he didn't mean what he said."

Shizuka stared at the two Kaiba's. Mokuba was holding on to his older brother's hand and smiling brightly up at him. Seto in turn had a soft expression on his face when he looked down. He did, however, continue to glance in the direction Jounouchi disappeared in. Shizuka smiled softly, realization overcoming her like the invasion of a dark army. Her chest tightened as tears came unbidden to her eyes.

She understood part of the problem with absolute clarity. She had grown up and moved on, spreading her wings and flying, no longer in need of her brother's protection. In doing so, Shizuka had unwittingly caused Jounouchi to feel unneeded, unwanted, unworthy. Just like the people in the past, Shizuka had made the mistake of causing Jounouchi pain in the most emotional way: by no longer feeling important. The acknowledgment did nothing to ease the sting of her older brother's words, regardless of how untrue they were.

"No, I have no right to. I have done all I can, everything for him, but one stupid mistake on my part, and it all becomes for nothing." The two males turned toward her at the depressing sound ringing in her voice. Resentment, directed more at herself than her older brother, streamed from her as she continued. "It's not like any of it was enough. My bloody brother is too damn stubborn to be saved. If he wants to die, he can do it on someone else's conscious, just not on mine. Unless…"

Shizuka trailed off thoughtfully before turning unexpectedly toward Seto, who was merely staring blankly at the overemotional girl, eyebrow raised slightly at the exaggerated 'wants to die' comment. "Unless what?" He asked against his better judgment. Seto wordlessly admitted that he was curious about the situation surrounding the blonde puppy.

"You were able to bring him back faster than anyone has in years. Even when this all began, before it got this bad, he would have been gone for at least an hour. You…"

Shizuka's eyes widened considerably at the new thought. "You. It's you. You're the one. You have to be. Then it would all make sense."

Seto scowled at the strawberry-blonde's redundant remarks. None of it made sense. "What are you trying to say?"

"You –"

"Yes, me. Now what about me?" Seto was fed up with the roundabout statements coming from the girl's mouth. He wanted answers, and he was going to get answers.

"You must be the one Katsuya fell in lo –"

"Don't finish that sentence." The brunette quickly cut off the other's declaration. He didn't want her to finish. It would mean he had to acknowledge the shivers of delight that spread through his body at that one word and the context it wrapped around himself and the blonde puppy. The idea actually appealed to him, before the brunette squashed that thought out of his conscious. "You're making inferences that might not be true, and in doing so you could be expanding on the mistake you mentioned earlier by betraying his trust with that secret. It's his choice if he wants to tell me that or not, if it is true."

Shizuka sighed and hung her head, suddenly glad that Kaiba had interrupted her. He was right, had she followed through with her declaration, she may have succeeded in drowning further in her failure. She shivered lightly. While the rain had lessened to a slight drizzle, it was still enough to soak any bystanders foolish enough to step outside without some sort of protection. Shizuka looked up when the water droplets were abruptly cut off.

Seto held the umbrella over her head. The rain made soothing 'plinking' noises on the top of the inanimate object. "I have no intention of interfering with the Mutt's personal affairs. An unspoken contract of non-involvement exists between the two of us. I don't meddle in his affairs, nor does he ask questions about mine. If you want help, then I suggest you go to Yuugi, or Yami. They would be more willing to lend you their services, and would be better suited for the job."

Shizuka looked down at the ground and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'but their not you', but conceded nonetheless. Seto simply nodded at her submission, deftly ignoring the girl's minute complaint. "Mokuba, can you take Shizuka to the car? Here's the key to start it." He handed the smaller child a ring with an assortment of keys dangling from it. "There are some towels in the back seat. Make sure you both dry off and turn the heater on full blast. I don't want you catching a cold."

"Hai, big brother." The raven-haired pre-teens silently steered the confused looking older girl out of the cemetery and to the car the Kaiba's traveled there in. Seto watched their progress until they reached the gate, were Shizuka threw one last look at him before disappearing around the corner with a chatting Mokuba. Seto himself was not sure why he bothered with taking care of the girl. Perhaps it was because Jounouchi had said 'please', which made it wholly impossible to deny his request.

Seto shook his head to rid himself of any extra thoughts as he made his way over to his parents' graves. Kneeling, Seto placed the flower offerings over each site and closed his eyes while muttering a quick prayer of eternal happiness to the deceased pair.

The brunette then stood again and brushed the dirt from his knees. Taking a few long strides to another slab of stone sticking up from the ground, Seto paused once more. As he eyed the grave's own bouquet of flowers, his mind wondered. Unfortunately – or fortunately, whichever way it was looked at – for the sapphire-eyed CEO, this one puny, insignificant spot had caught his interest, especially after seeing the effect it had on the blonde puppy.

Slowly, the brunette's eyes traveled from the springy, water encrusted grass to the weather-worn gray texture of the headstone and settled on the engraved cursive of the stone. His eyes widened almost in horror and surprise while following the elegant loops of the writing, some sort of feeling settling in his stomach. The raw emotion twisted itself inside him, making the CEO feel nauseous and dizzy. To quell his erratic emotions, Seto quickly to big gulps of oxygen in rapid succession. It didn't work.

Taking one last glance at the engraved name, another wave of unease flushed through him. Seto merely turned tail and fled the cemetery not wanting to stay there any longer than necessary. He was glad for the early hour and the deserted status of the resting place, no one around to see his humiliating retreat away from the incriminating headstone.

_Kawai Katsuya_

_To a loving parent, irreplaceable sibling, and a doting child._

_Find an escape from all hardships in your place in heaven._

/((:))?KKDD

To the reviewers:

**SabbieChan**- Thank you for your review. I know it took a while for me to update, but then again, it happens. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

**Repmet**- I'm glad you like. Here's the update. Enjoy.

**xMinkx- **I'm glad you find the story to be of great potential. To be honest, this is the first time I wrote angst. But, I'm sorry to say, it will be getting a little more depressing, hell, it might get a whole lot disturbing in the next two chapters. I'll try my best to make it not too cliché or depressing. I hope this chapter isn't too confusing either. Enjoy the update.


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